


So You Slept With a Call Girl

by Roga



Category: House M.D., The West Wing
Genre: Chatlogs, Crossover, Episode Tag, Gen, no really terrible, terrible terrible puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-04-11
Updated: 2007-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-12 23:55:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/817535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roga/pseuds/Roga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Welcome to the I Accidentally Slept With A Call Girl And I Don't Know What To Do! chatroom.</i> Takes place immediately following episode <a href="http://roga.livejournal.com/78386.html">3.18</a>,  when I still fully believe the below IM conversation took place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So You Slept With a Call Girl

**BornAtSea:** Welcome to the I Accidentally Slept With A Call Girl And I Don't Know What To Do! chatroom.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Um, hi.  
 **BornAtSea:** Hello, friend. Great screen name you got there. Very... original.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** I wanted to remain anonymous.  
 **BornAtSea:** That wasn't obvious at all. So, what brings you here?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Well, I accidentally slept with a call girl. And, um, I'm not sure what to do.  
 **BornAtSea:** Happens to the best of us, my friend, happens to the best. As someone who's been there myself, I know exactly what you're going through, and I just want to reassure you: the situation is always salvageable. You'll be okay.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** That's a relief to hear.  
 **BornAtSea:** Great. Okay, then. The first thing you have to ask yourself is: do you care about her?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** I... well, yes, in a way. I mean, yes. After all I did sleep with her, which requires a certain level of intimacy which you can't - you can't ignore that, can you? Not that I want to marry her or anything. Not that kind of caring. So no. And yes.  
 **BornAtSea:** Okay! Glad you have that figured out. Second question: what are the political ramifications of your little tryst coming out?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Uh, none?  
 **BornAtSea:** See, that right there makes you ten steps ahead of most guys caught in the situation. Good for you!  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Thanks, I feel... so much better.  
 **BornAtSea:** Third and fourth questions: does your wife know, and do you have a tendency to blurt things out?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** No to both. I mean, I'm not married, and no. Not unless a pretty girl asks me.  Or my best friend. Buddy. Co-worker. Guy I buy food for and whose vomit I occasionally clean up. We're... close.  
 **BornAtSea:** It seems to me - and I don't mean to presume, but it seems to me that your situation's not that bad. If you like this girl enough to want to be with her, ask her to test for STDs and to quit her job. And no, its not considered sexist if she's a prostitute.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** That's good to know. And if I don't?  
 **BornAtSea:** My personal tips are: break it off easy, make sure she's not friends with any scary pimps, keep away from guys in trench coats holding cameras, and don't let yourself wallow in regret and self pity for too long. Not having a photo of your, you know, girl, will help with this.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** You have her photo?  
 **BornAtSea:** Not that it's my screensaver or anything, because our motto here at the chatroom is 'Let go before they let you go', but yes:

[](http://photobucket.com)

**AnonymousOncologist:** h;oarfufevwu;o ewojv;obwu mk1  
 **BornAtSea:** Mr. Anonymous? Is everything all right?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Sorry. I was choking, and my hand slammed the 'enter' key.  
 **BornAtSea:** Everything okay now?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** My keyboard is soaked with coffee, other than that yes.  
 **BornAtSea:** Good.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Wait, no! No! What the hell is my boss doing on your... I mean, _what?_  
 **BornAtSea:** Your boss?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** WHAT THE FUCK. Is all I'm asking.  
 **BornAtSea:** You clearly have issues way beyond what I can help you with, but if it helps, this is Laurie.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Laurie?  
 **BornAtSea:** Yes, like Hugh Laurie. The actor. What was your friend's name?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Rob. Like Rob Lowe, the actor.  
 **BornAtSea:** Was that sarcasm?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Yes. It's actually Robin. Okay, look, I think I've maximized whatever potential this chatroom had for helping me, so, you know, thank you. For your help. I'll go now.  
 **BornAtSea:** Are you sure? We can talk about call girls some more. Or affairs in general. Or the irrelevancy of the one penny coin?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Seriously, Sam, you were a great help, but I should go. Patients to see, prostitutes to break up with, IM conversations to erase all traces of.  
 **BornAtSea:** You-- you knew who I was?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Your screen name is less covert than you may have intended. Also, you know. It was in the newspapers, after all.  
 **BornAtSea:** ...Right.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** I really appreciate your taking the time to do this, by the way. It can't be easy, what with your having to help run the country and all.  
 **BornAtSea:** I'm on lunch break.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:**...that does not worry me at all.  
 **BornAtSea:** It was good talking to you, Mr. Anonymous. A last word, if I may?  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Shoot.  
 **BornAtSea:** You really will get through this, and remember I'm here, or somebody is, any time you need to talk. And one last tip: don't tell anyone you care about if you don't want to be brutally mocked for the rest of your life.  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Oh. About that. Mmm.  
 **BornAtSea:** Oh, don't worry. I'm sure that even if they find out, your friends aren't nearly as evil as mine.  
...  
...  
 **AnonymousOncologist:** Crap. I am so screwed.

**Author's Note:**

> I was _really_ excited about that parallel, yes.


End file.
